Finally Understanding Myself

When you have a problem and you’re aware of it, you are likely to work on it and fix it. But what if you have unconscious baggage? How would you know you had something that needed fixing?

A few days ago I spoke to a wonderful friend, and while we were speaking things became clear to me. The “skies opened up” and I got it. I understood something that I didn’t even know I needed to understand as I had already fixed that issue. So I thought.

Throughout most of my adult life, when it came to men, they always wanted to sleep with me. Well why not? I’m cute, I’m beautiful and blah blah…….All superficial reasons.

I don’t think I was in a relationship that the words “I love you” came before having sex. You have sex first, and then you say “I love you”…..That’s how you do it.

If I wanted to feel loved or hear those three words, I had to give my all in the bedroom, even do kinky things I wasn’t comfortable doing and that physically hurt me to the point I was crying. I kept doing it so I’d be loved. I’d get that attention that I thought I needed.

I made sure I was the best a guy ever had in the bedroom, and did things I didn’t really want to do.

It may all stem from the molestation I went through with my dad as a child. I wasn’t going to be defined by it. I wasn’t going to let it get to me. I was going to do everything in my power to be the best in the sexual department. The molestation wasn’t going to win. See, I’m OK, it didn’t affect me…I’m so good in the bedroom.
To get love and approval you must have sex first.

I was always my dad’s favorite between me and my sister and everyone knew that. To get love you must do things for the man, even if you didn’t want to. My dad loved me the most so he molested me. That’s love. It felt good to be the favorite, look how lucky I am.

In relationships that I’ve been in, sex was pretty important to me, not necessarily because of the sexual act, but because the meaning I put on it. It meant I’m loved. In many relationships, the frequency of sex lessens as time goes by, which seems to be the norm. How can this be? You don’t love me as much now? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not desirable?

Being hurt by men especially the ones that love you and are supposed to protect you equals love. I got love and I was my dad’s favorite girl. Was it because we had our secret all those years? Having things done to you that you don’t really want, means you’ll get what you want – love? Wrong!

Now I realize that all the love that I’ve been searching for, I already had inside me all along. I am whole and complete inside.

I do not need anyone or anything from outside of me to give it to me.
My whole life I’ve been looking for it but it’s been inside me all this time.

I am love, I have so much love inside that I’m about to burst.

Love is no longer associated with sex. They are two totally different things.

Now ME equals LOVE. And that’s just how it is.

No more seeking love/sex from someone else to complete me. I am complete. I am whole.

No more being hurt sexually/physically to receive love.

Being molested by my father did cause me damage. Have I worked on it my whole life? Yes. Have I made progress? Yes. Have I ever resolved it? No, not until now. Will I still need to continue working on it in the future as I evolve? Yes, and that’s what being authentic with yourself is about.

It feels like this is a revelation.

True intimacy is way beyond the physical and sex. It’s a feeling that is hard to put into words.

Have I lived my life falsely till now? Have I lied to myself? Did I just wake up? The most important thing is, that I am here. I am present to what is.

Believing what I thought I wanted and knowing & desiring what I want makes a huge difference.

I now have a sense of feeling more calm and happiness in my heart, which is something I haven’t felt. As if something has been lifted off of me. I am now free. Wow.

Remember there is no shame if you’ve gone through something like this in your life. You are an amazing person because of everything you’ve been through.

You are love and you are loved.

Blessings to all.

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