Have you had the feeling that you just can’t take it anymore? You can’t feel because the pain is unbearable? Lay there motionless and confused? Can you relate? That’s how I felt when I was seven years old.
One day my father told me to get undressed and to lay on the bed on my back. He got undressed and got on top of me in the opposite direction and started performing “69″ on me. His mouth was on my vagina. I didn’t know what was happening. He then told me to put his penis in my mouth. I remember seeing this horrible thing in front of my face as I lay there motionless on my back. I felt so scared and confused.
This was my father. The man that loves me and is supposed to protect me. What was going on here?
Later to make things better, he hugged me and spooned with me while naked. I felt numb. He stuck his fingers inside of me, and I remember feeling the pain as he did that. I think he broke my Hyman at that time.
I cannot recall if this happened that one time or several times, as I don’t have a good recollection of my childhood. My childhood and memories were stolen from me by the man who was supposed to protect me, my father.
Growing up, I got into some dysfunctional relationships. I would do anything for a man. Even if it meant being in horrible pain, to the point of almost bleeding, and having black and blue marks on my body. All I wanted was to make a man happy and to be loved. To be loved, means being in pain, just like what my father did to me. Love = Pain. I have learned since then what it means to be in a healthy and loving relationship. I had to go through all those learning experiences to finally understand.
I could have decided to play the victim card my whole life, but I chose not to. Being the victim would be an excuse not to live my life fully, and blame everything on being molested. I won’t allow that incident to define who I am as a person. I am a beautiful soul on this earth, and I deserve to thrive.
As a teenager friends always told me I should be a therapist. It seems that it’s my life’s calling. I chose to become a life coach and help people transform their lives.
In my coaching practice, I’ve worked with men, women and children. I have my certifications, but having life’s experience is much more valuable than all the certificates on the wall.
When a client who’s been abused tells me, that I’m the only person that “really gets it,” to me that’s priceless.
Having gone through verbal, mental, physical and sexual abuse is horrible. I wish it didn’t happen to me, but it did. Abuse is abuse. People who have been through a similar experience, can relate to one another on a different level than someone who hasn’t been through it. In a way it gives my clients some comfort, knowing that they are not alone, and that it is OK and safe to talk about it. There’s no need to live in shame, or think that you are “less than” just because this has happened.
We have a choice on how to look at the abuse we have endured. I chose to look at my father molesting me as a gift that he gave me so that I can help others.
If you’ve been through any type of abuse, please tell someone. There’s no shame in sharing. Let your healing begin now. You are here to enjoy life and to live it fully. Blessings.
